Reflections

It has been a pretty good year. It has been a very hard year. A little channeling of Dickens there, but it the best way to sum it up. I have learned so much, seen so much, and endured so much. In the end the result is that I am blessed and God is greatly to be praised!

Things I have learned:
1. Trust God, even when life does not make sense, when the pain is the worst imaginable, when the future is uncertain and life is spinning out of control. He alone never fails and keeps His promises.

2. PAIN: It is hard to watch people you love dearly experience the deepest imaginable pain to them. You want to say the right thing. You don't want to say the wrong thing. You want to be there and comfort them. You have to learn that ultimately, you cannot. Words in times like these are best kept simple and few. I love you. I am sorry you must endure this. I am here. I am praying. Other thoughts and words get twisted from intention and delivery and can be hurtful. So for those people hurting, not only say those things also do those things. You will feel helples and powerless. You want to comfort and take the pain away. YOU CAN NOT. All you can do is love them, pray for them, be there, and TRUST GOD to provide the comfort and peace, because only he can.

3. Time really is not our own. None of us are promised tomorrow. Life really is sacred. Our human folly is to live our lives not fully aware of the gift that life really is. We all expect to wake up tomorrow. We all expect to remain healthy and not get cancer. We all expect to have healthy children. Many times the answer is yes and the news is good. However,when we are in the waiting room of life, on our knees before the Lord, sometimes no matter how much you plead , the answer is NO. It hurts. You may have anger, pain, fear, and confusion. We must live our lives daily as if it were our last. We must cherish life. We must realize just how fragile life is. Then we will not take it for granted. Why is it that we only realize just how sacred life is when we are pleading for, or clinging to the life of someone we love, or our own life? Live like there is no tomorrow. And when the answer is NO, the only way through the pain is to TRUST GOD and He will guide you through the valley of death's shadow. He will leave you bread crumbs along the way so that you will know that you are not alone.

4. Fellowship. It is important. God ordained it. We all need one another. We are wired for connection. Even when we want to withdraw and run away because life is too hard, too busy, too crazy or people are too hard to bare, we must continue the fellowship. We are all broken. We must see each other through God's eyes. We must live together in LOVE and we must encourage one another. Our Lord tells us to use your words not to tear down, but to build up and encourage one another. This is so important. When you want to pull away remember this: The enemy is counting on our isolation. He wants to use our pain, fear, shame, guilt, loneliness, bitterness, and resentment to isolate us away from our fellow man. That way when we are at our weakest and defenses are down he can snatch us up and devour us. When we are in fellowship of believers and you are at your weakest, and I have been there, those fellows can stand around you, protect you, hold you up in prayer and in words and protect you from the one that is trying to tear you from God's grace and love.

5. Happiness is temporary. JOY is ETERNAL. The world promises happiness. It fails to deliver. There are brief moments of elation with new stuff, fun adventures, and great entertainment. Those emotions are so fleeting. When the hard stuff happens, in the midst of sorrow, joy can exist. Happiness and sorrow together are improbable. Joy and sorrow. This contradiction exists through GOD and in GOD alone. In our deepest valley, our driest, longest deserts, GOD is a GOD who provides and JOY does come in the morning.

6. LOVE When all is said and done, LOVE is the only thing that matters. I spent a lot of time this year praying for God's will in my life. I learned that whatever I do or wherever I work, the most important thing is that wherever I am I must LOVE. The greatest LOVE of all is not self love, that is the stuff of the devil. The greatest LOVE is from God that He sees a people undeserving of His love, breaking his rules, hurting one another, stealing, lying, cheating, and murdering. He looks past all that to our potential. He can see what we look like when all the bad is removed.
An architect looks at space and envisions the final product, a firm and beautiful yet functioning structure. An artist sees the empty canvas and envisions the great masterpiece. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them - Ephesians 2:10 We are God's workmanship. We are his masterpiece. He doesn't see the wires that were crossed, the cracks on the ceiling,the paint that bled one color into another. He sees His finished product, the end result. We can get there, but we must surrender to him and LOVE him more than ourselves and more than anyone or anything. Through this LOVE of God the good works he has crafted us for, the function of our building, the aim of our painting in this life is to LOVE others.
We are to LOVE God and He in turn fills us with such great joy, that we cannot help but give it away and LOVE others as we love ourselves. We are to do everything in LOVE. Praise, criticize, think, act, walk in love. When we do this we are performing the works that God prepared for us to do. Jesus was not a sinner like us. He died for us. No greater love than this, that a man should lay down his life for his friends (in the book of JOHN). TRUE LOVE is GOD's love and no other love can compare. Though we cannot achieve it this side of heaven we should strive every day until it is our last breath to LOVE like GOD loves.

What a year. I thank GOD for the trials and the triumphs. I have learned so much and have so much more to learn. I thank him for my dear family:
My husband that is my biggest fan;
Kyra means light and she is definitely a light in my life and a living embodiment of God's love and grace for me;
my Mom and Dad , my Step Mom and Step Dad- they have given me so much love and taught me so much;
my sweet brothers- I am so blessed not just to have them but to have wonderful relationships with each of them. I hear of people that don't have the same with their siblings. I am so blessed.
My SISTERS in LAW and Christ: I have learned how much you can love someone that is not blood relation as if they were. These ladies are a blessing to me. Being overprotective I always worried about whom my brothers would marry. So far, God has blessed our family with two wonderful, God-fearing sisters.
My step sister: she helped me learn first how to have a sister, we have shared the journey of parenting very closely as our only children are 5 weeks apart.
My grandparents,uncles (yes you UNC), Aunts, cousins, nephews and nieces and of course I have the best friends. So many. I think God to for my soul sister....in Christ, you know who you are...you are such a blessing to me....

I was born an idealist. I used to say life has tempered my idealism to optimism. God in his fun, loving, and yet wise way coupled me with a pessimist. As I am stabbing windmills, my mate reminds me that the giants are windmills. I have learned it is ok to stab windmills. And now in the light of this reflection on the past year, people say some see the glass as half empty (Ted, love you) and some say it half full.....well TRULY I SAY THIS my cup does run over and it only starts with God's love and grace and extends to each of you that are in my life. May you all be blessed and see the abundance in your lives, despite the pain may you always know the JOY that comes through God's peace.

Adieu to a hard, good year.
With hope, I look forward to the shaping and molding God has planned for this workmanship he is creating of this broken, silly, poetic soul....
Happy New Year!

Clouds and Rainbows

Lately there have been a lot of cloudy days. I praise Him still. Sometimes I forget and lose my way, it is because I am caught up in me again. The giver of life is ever faithful. It is we that stray, fail. It is the enemy that sees our victory and takes whatever stronghold, insecurity, whatever tempatation that he can use to pry our souls from God. Hold on to God for dear life. Read His promises, they are true. Until they become etched in your mind and heart so on those days you are weakest, your arsenal of our only offensive weapon, His Word, is full. I wrote that for me and whoever else needs it. I am struggling lately. The symptoms that are manifesting in me would be described as anxiety. I hate labels, so I deny a lot of how I feel. I don't like to share them with the world, because they are quick to label, and even quicker to prescribe a pill. I am anxious lately, but that is not baseline for me. I don't need a prescription, I need reflection, meditation and revelation. So I have to sit down and take an inventory.What is it that leads me to this lack of peace? What is it that is keeping me from God's peace? Sin? Unforgiveness? Pride? Not abiding in Him enough, so that He may abide in me? Short changing God of my time ( I know I am guilty there). Not caring for my temple? All of these are a yes, I struggle with all of these for a while, but what is the main thing that keeps me from God's peace. I do not know exactly this very moment. I know I had some unforgiveness recently and that I am working through. I am praying the prayer of Psalm 139 begging the Lord to search my heart and make apparent to me where I come up empty. I want that peace. The Peace that a clean house, structured life, perfect physique, clear non-ADD mind, full bank account cannot give. This valley is no where as deep as the one's I have seen and walked with those I love through. However, it is a valley I am going through. I know the Lord is with me. He alone comforts me. Sometimes the answer is this: I am not being still enough to allow God to fill me up with His love so I can give it away. Oh Lord, my weary mind needs you. I cry out, give me Your peace. Not the world's. You alone can fill that void that we all have within us. Have I been trying to fill that void with something else? Make my iniquities clear to me so that I might repent and sin no more. I know there too are times that sin is not the issue, though my heart is so heavy, I know it is now. There are times you must prune us so taht we can bear more fruit. Oh God, my soul cries out, please fill me with your spirit....and through this storm I praise you. I see the clouds and know all too well the joy of the warmth of the sun that you provide and the salvation of the Son that you gave us. Oh dear Lord , if this valley is what it takes to bring me closer to you and your will, then I will endure it. You are faithful and I know you have never left me and will never forsake me and as these clouds are hovering over my head, that a rainbow will come and it will be even clearer skies than before!

My brain does it's own thing and I am along for the ride

Sorry, I am having one of those ADD moments...I have so many things I want to do all at once and then I get excited about it all and do not know where to begin....
Some say at the beginning....for me there is not so much a beginning...there are multiple starting points and tangents....and details and sometimes SO many details that there are NO plots.....some days are better than others....but today is one of those days.....not so much....i am thankful for my silly little mind....but sometimes it wears even me out......but for now I am just hanging on tight and enjoying the ride...as my brain takes me here and there and everywhere...around and around and up and down...what a roller coaster ride....

MUSE : from Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Why and how?
in my youth you inspired me
and you inspire me now
but there are times
your refrains make me cringe
cause i'm a little nutty
but i can't go there too much
cause duties and bills keep piling up

and you,
you play your piano
like making love
making music
singing to me
and the world

the world hears you
they do not hear me
i cannot play
the instruments
but i can play the game
but i got tired
and i hung up my sneakers
and picked my apron
and my briefcase

and you
you play your piano
like making love
making music
singing to me
and the world

oh i remember the day
the silly battles i thought i had
and growing up is okay
but i just wish i knew then
how simple it all was

oh in a field of green
a cool august breeze
they did not like Christians
I don't know if you do
but I prayed and listened
and smiled while you

you play your piano
like making love
making music
singing to me
and the world

From August 15, 2008 - My Testimony

The Weary Traveler

My journey often times was aimless,
At times my destination seemed known.
Though my travels many times were fruitless,
My spirit always held onto hope.
Walking along the winding ways,
Many broken paths from which to choose,
Knowledge of roads less traveled,
Did not prevail to youthful desires.
Safest routes at times were clearly marked.
Daring, I chanced to dance into the fire.
Though the scars have long faded
Along with the pain that etched them there.
A spirit weak, a will strong,
A youthful idealism jaded.
Lost, I turned to search for home.
But where is my solace, my refuge?
I have taken far too many turns!
How can I reach my safe harbor?
Will I make it there before the torch burns out?
I kept pressing forward or was it backward- I do not know.
Weary and laden with regrets I traversed
Clinging merely to Hope and Faith.
My destiny burned inside me.
My tired body, my weary mind,
My will from the spirit within me
Refused defeat or rest until I would find
the path that led back home.
And yet the closer to familiar ground
Apparent truth was revealed,
Home would not be found.
I spent my years traveling
In a winding way without end.
The path was overgrown.
All the old familiars changed.
Searching, coming up empty,
I knew my course must be rearranged.
Mustering my strength for a new journey
With only a beacon of hope,
I landed in the desert
With a good friend I have knownfor some time.
We settled near an oasis.
It was truly not a mirage.
Its water kept me alive,
But did not quench my thirst.
Once I again I resigned to fate.
A fresher oasis closer to the Son.
I set off once more,
This time with a new Compass
I would trust my instincts no more.
Past experiences proved them unreliable.
My journeys resumed.
My hope grew stronger.
My spirit was anew.
It must be closer,this new pool of water
That quenches thirst and drowns regrets!
My new Guide at the Helm,
My spirit reinvigorated
from rest in the desert,I pressed on.
Seeking led me to the truth.
Only Living Water can quench this thirst
My journey still continues.
Alas, I thirst no more!On a course that is certain
To deliver me to the door.
Though my travels continues
A greater Light guides the way.
I just must not fail to remember
To seek and use it each and every day.
Now my travel is lighter,
My burdens are laid down,
As I peacefully continue,
The Glorious path He leads me down.
And so many years I spent
In circles and paths of thorns.
I've resigned my weary travels
For a journey to the Son.

"I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one come to the fatherexcept through Me."
--John 14:6

Autumn brings nostalgia still....

Crisp, cold autumn night. The air chills
my ears and yet it warms my heart
Change is coming, I can feel
it in the air; I just love it!

Summer's boiling heat is done
By God's grace, survived another one
This one was much harder than summer's past.
Though summer is over we are forever changed

And as the season changes, time continues to march on
Reminding us that we must also continue moving

Time, it goes so fast

Time for carving pumpkins and dressing up
And soon carving turkeys and dressing them
Then the jolly elf will pay a visit
To celebrate the birth of the child
That ransomed us all

And in this very moment
On this chilly autumn eve
So much hope lies ahead
As we trust and hope and wait

This very hope helps us look back
On all the times that have past
The broken hearts and broken dreams
The tales that had the tragic twists
And the expected sorrowful exits

So many memories tied up in just one year
Who can even fathom the number for a lifetime
And it was yesteryear I sat and penned
Autumn brings nostalgia

And here tonite it rings true even still
So looking back, I look forward
With the peace that sustained our summer.
The nostalgia this autumn brings
Reflection on the hope that fuels winter's fires
So that we may hang on until the spring

Happy New Year......

So yesterday I turned 37. I worked the morning.....went home to find my sweet, 5 year old had drawn me a birthday card. She was excited to give me my gift, a stuffed frog from the Princess and the Frog, which she bought from the Disney store. She knows I like frogs and that excites her. She would tilt her head numerous times and smile her sweet smile as she would say "Happy Birthday Mommy!" This warms my heart...

So many birthday wishes from family and friends...it makes you feel appreciated....acknowledged....that your life has a value and makes a difference as you celebrate the anniversary of your birth.

We spent the evening at our church's Fall Family Night. It was fun. I love events where people gather and you feel you are part of a community. There is a feeling of security and fullfillment when you are part of a community. I think it is because God designed us that way. From there we came home, my husband made me a special birthday dinner, we blew out 1 candle...I am 37, but I have one life and I am choosing to celebrate that! We then sat down as a family in our upstairs family room to watch How to Train Your Dragon. A cute movie. Then the day was over...but my new year has just begun....

The past year has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Through it all...I am safe and sound because God's peace and strength carried me through each moutaintop and every valley. I look back on all that has happened over the past year...so many events, memories, interactions, and yet the year passed so quickly.

I look forward to my new year with the hope that has been in my life since I have known Jesus; with excitement as I anticipate more fun memories, sweet smiles, and warm hugs; with certainty as I know that ultimately no matter what storms come my anchor is the Lord. I am excited to see what will unfold this next year and hope that I can keep everpresent in my mind as I go about my daily living this thought: I hope to live with fervor and passion, not going through the motions, and at the end of the day I hope God's love that he fills me up with daily I was able to give away to all who cross my path...because when all is said and done.....Love is the only thing that matters and God is love.

Thanks to all who are a part of my life....thanks to those who love me enough with me to hold me accountable.....and thanks for all the encouragement, prayers, and the love.....

In Memory of my Grandpa Charley Curtis

Today we honor the life of Charley Curtis, a husband, father, grandfather, brother, uncle, friend. I hear his children talk about him: to them he has been a provider, protector, leader, hero and friend. He was a provider; he labored many years to provide his family food, clothing and shelter. He was a protector. Grandpa was a leader- He went through life trying to stand up for what was right, making some mistakes along the way, but never forgetting what was most important in life- God and family. Grandpa was a hero. He served his country as a soldier defending the liberties we enjoy even to this day. He served selflessly without boasting or expecting anything in return. Apparently there was even a time that he saved a child from a burning building; without regard to his own safety he faced danger to save a life, never seeking any kind of reward. Grandpa was a friend. Whether it was talking about the old days, the weather, or sports, Grandpa never minded a conversation. He was easy to talk to and willing to listen. He especially liked talking about the Astros. He was no fair weather fan, win or lose he would listen to them on the radio, regardless of how frustrating it could be…..His strength, courage and strong work ethic were apparent, his heart for his children was more subtle but ever present. These past weeks it has been great to listen to stories his children have shared about him, their father. These memories are gift that his children will cherish all their days and hopefully pass down to other generations. In September Grandpa accepted a gift as well, from his heavenly Father as he affirmed his belief in Jesus Christ as his Savior through baptism, confirmation and communion.
A relationship with a father is so dear. I believe it is so because it echoes our relationship with our heavenly father. God is our provider, protector, leader, hero and friend. Think of how much you love your father and if you are a father, your children. It is a deep love. Realize that God loves us even more that. It is hard to fathom, but through the eyes of faith we can see that God is Love and he loves you and me more than you can imagine. In honor of Grandpa, s let us not wait until we are close to death to see that the Lord is good, but let us start a relationship with him here and now. If you have one with him then let us take it to the next level. Read His word, pray, seek Him and you will see that He gives us peace in this life that we cannot get from even those we love so much. And even greater is the reward that when this life is through all who believe in Him will exist in peace and love eternally with Grandpa and all our loved ones and our Lord

Choose to SEE - inspired by the Chapman family

I was sitting at a Steven Curtis Chapman concert when I learned Grandpa had gone to be with the Lord. In the foyer talking to Lana I could not fight back the tears when I heard. I took a deep breath and walked back in the church auditorium. I whispered to Ted, Grandpa is with the Lord now…..he asked if I needed to leave or go pray…I told him No, this was a good place to be right now. For those of you that do not know that the Chapmans lost their 5 year old daughter Maria in a tragic accident at their home 2 years ago. The concert was full of music and testimony of how God has helped them walk their journey of sorrow and that in the midst of all the grief and pain God had been leaving bread crumbs of hope. I had heard Mary Beth, the mom, on KSBJ interviewed about the upcoming event. I could hear healing and hope in her voice. In light of all our family has been through recently I craved to connect with this family because I knew if they could survive such a tragedy the hope would inspire me and our family, especially in regards to losing Lydia so soon.
The concert was amazing, I really felt God’s presence there….I felt sad and happy all at the same time. I also felt honored, privileged that I was able to have a look into the hearts and lives of this amazing, very real family.
Those of you who know me well, know that I have multiple half read books on my book shelves, on my night stand and all around my house. I get a new book that I am excited about delve into and get distracted by life and well…I never finish it…..Well Mary Beth Chapman’s book drew me in and I could not stop until I finished it this evening. In one week from beginning the book I completed it. A record for me! What was it about the book that captivated me?
A mother’s heart wonderfully displayed. It gave insight to who she is, how she arrived at the point of that life changing event, and how she has managed to get through it each day and sometimes just the moments. All the while she clings tight to her faith, giving all glory to the One who gave her the precious sweet child she misses. You see through this tragedy and this broken hearted mother and her family FAITH put to the REAL test….and not only do they survive, they are honoring God all the way…..But what really draws you even closer to the story was how God would appear in the midst of their sorrow…how he chose to give them bread crumbs of hope to keep them hanging on when nothing but faith could take them through the next moment…..You cannot know the Chapman’s story without SEEING GOD in it all the way.
Their little Maria, wrote on the back of the paper that she drew one of her signature flowers the word SEE. The Chapman’s discovered this after praying for God to help them SEE him thru the pain and sorrow. God had answered their prayer before they even prayed it.
It is hard not to become drawn to this family. It is hard to not to want to pray for them. It is even more difficult to not want to just sit in awe and wonder at the greatness of our Lord. How in the midst of such an unimaginable pain that he could carry this family through such an ordeal….all the while they are screaming out “ The gospel IS TRUE!”
I hate that the Chapman’s had to experience such loss….No one ever wants pain wished upon anyone….especially a pain so deep as the loss of a child…..but in their story I SEE God….it only confirms my faith even more and gives me hope for my own family as we are healing from pains that are deep…..
It is so wonderful to SEE that God’s promises of peace and hope are real and that joy does come in the morning…..
So as I sit here praying for what to say tomorrow to my family in reflection of the passing of my sweet Grandpa, I pray God lays a message on my heart that will help my family choose to SEE just how great our God is and that we should not wait until we are near death to taste and see that the Lord is good, but to start a relationship with him here and now….and if you have one with him take it to that next level…read his word, pray, seek Him and you will SEE that He gives us peace in this life that we cannot even get from those we love so much….you will SEE that He loves us more than we can imagine…..if you are a child or a parent you will get an insight into this …think of how you love your parent or child….that is a deep love…..imagine that God loves us even more than that…..it is hard to fathom, but through eyes of faith we can SEE that God is LOVE and he LOVES you and me more than we can imagine.

Know Thyself

Over the past month, I have had an amazing array of experiences. I have been perplexed, overwhelmed, and torn. I had an internal peace though the storms of life raged in the background. Then my heart was torn as people I love dearly experienced an unimaginable pain, the loss of their child. I grieved. I cried. I prayed more than I think I have ever prayed in my life. In the wake of this life changing event, I began to see all things through a different light. This tragedy was so close that I relearned how FRAGILE life is. When things like this happen, it is not uncommon that we find ourselves examining life.

I had time on my hands for a change, as I was not employed. I thought, a lot. I had no other choice but to be still and examine things. I did not want to. I was used to being busy. I am always on the go. My mind races all the time and my body most of the time. It is hard to sit still, much less be still. I have learned there is quite a difference in the two. Being still requires your body, mind, and spirit to slow down. It did not come easy at first. Life provided plenty of distractions, but because it came to a point that I did not have to BE anywhere, I had to learn to be.

Have you ever set down and thought about yourself, your actions, your motives? I mean deeply examined yourself.

Well during this past month here is what I knew about myself before I began:
1. I am a people pleaser
2. I struggle with low self esteem, complicated by being overweight.
3. I love people very much.
4. I love God even more than that.
5. I am pretty smart, but due to easy distractability, find it hard to study anything in depth.
6. I talk a lot, I love to talk, and I talk alot about everything...
7. My priorities in life are 1. God 2. Family 3. Work and everything else
8. Major life changes that shaped who I am: age 10 accepting Jesus; age 13 my parents separation and eventual divorce (age 15); age 19-22 a 4.5 year abusive relationship; age 22 beginning and graduating nursing school; age 26 marrying my sweet husband; age 32 giving birth to my beautiful daughter; age 33 finishing graduate school; age 34 starting and closing my own business; age 35 becoming obedient in my faith, finally figured out believing is the first step, following is the lifelong spiritual journey and was baptized on Nov 2, 2008; age 35 beginning a position where my job became my ministry; age 36 leaving that job I loved to take some time for family, experience a loss for our family as a dear child went from her mother's womb directly to heaven, and sitting at the feet of Jesus trying to figure it all out.

Here is what I have learned since that month of August
1. To TRUST GOD, no matter how hard, even when you are broken hearted, it hurts, and you do not understand.
2. Even in the midst of pain and you feel HE is far away, God will remain faithful and show you His face in the simplest of ways and smallest places.
3. God's glory is seen in the miracles and the tragedies.....the miracles are obvious..the tragedies....how he sustains us through them and brings a peace only HE can bring.....

Here is what I learned about me:
1. You can be self-centered even if you are not selfish and I am.
2.I amm always so worried about what people think about me that it leaves little time to worry about how they feel, so I can help them by listening.
3. I always want to fix situations or help people...ultimately all I can do is be there and pray, only God can "fix" people....I have to know my limitations..
4. I do have pride, only it is the dangerous kind, because it is subtle....
5. I really do love God and people and I even love practicing medicine.
6. I do have a creative side....I feel a desire to get that out, only I don't make time for that.
7. I really do talk alot, which is not always bad...but I really need to work on listening and thinking about my speech....
8. I love to write and yet I don't often do it...
9. For whatever reason I can experience empathy deeper than I want to and though it can be painful, it can also be elative...and I will just accept the gift from the Lord.
10. As a recovering people pleaser, my life's spiritual journey is to focus on pleasing God.
11. I am a broken, sinful, soul that without God would fall victim to the desires of my own flesh....but because of a Savior, Christ Jesus, all my iniquities have been taken to the grave.

Where does all this leave me? Just a deeper understanding of my brokenness which leads to a greater appreciation for my salvation and a renewed energy to spend my days loving God and loving others.

A new season

Though the summer sun is still beating down heating up the day to close to triple digits and I long for fall weather, I am getting ready for a new season in life.
My Lil Miss begins kindergarten tomorrow. Her back pack is packed by the door. She picke out the uniform she wants to wear tomorrow. I packed her lunch. The forms the school request are signed. This is really happening. I know it is a natural progression. I am excited about all the things she will learn, the fun experiences she will have and the new friends she will meet.

I am sad that my baby girl is really no longer a baby. She strives so much to be independent. She is so smart and strong willed. She is so beautiful inside and out. I must enjoy each moment, because the pass to fast. I must not take this time which God has given me to entrust me with this little girl to love, raise and build character so she will one day serve Him.

So with tears of joy, nostalgia, and sadness I get ready to take my little girl tomorrow for her first day of school. We will take pictures. We will be excited and once I drop her off I am sure I will cry.

I think now on the day she was born and all the milestones since then. Sitting, talking,crawling, walking, potty training, learning ABC's, learning to read and learning to write. I thank God that I was able to witness all of these things and be a part of them. So in the theme of my life as of late, I must Trust God, and these people whom I am sharing my daughter with to help educate her, so that she continue to meet more milestones.

So in the time in between, I want to pay more attention, close attention, because these days go too fast.

stuck in neutral

don't want to be complacent
don't want to be overdue
in giving encouragement
don't want to be all these things
but stuck in neutral, so it seems
not used to this feeling
hard to move, no energy
what has happened to what was me?
i could bounce off the walls
and reach the stars
now i just sit here counting
and lost in how far
it all seems away
and my spirit yearns
what is this feeling
that deep within me burns
though i know in quiet times
i can feel the ache
solace does come and peace is granted
but moments can be fleeting
searching for only truth
fighting every day
not to give up the fight
it's okay if i run and hide
for just a moment
let me fall apart
stand guard and protect my heart
in just a moment
i will reform
and stand stronger
than i was before
for now i just wait
patiently and pray
sometimes its getting thru the moment
that gets us through the day

Facing Dragons

I have a dear friend that I met from my husband. I call her my "prayer warrior" friend. She is. When I have a prayer request that involves deep need she is the first person I send it to. She is the first person that helped me make sense of some pivotal points in my spiritual journey. She is also the first person who put into words what I was experiencing, but I knew if I told anyone they would think I am insane. I am speaking of spiritual warfare.

Scripture states that our struggles are not with flesh, but principalities and authorities of evil (Ephesians 6:10-18). My friend calls them dragons. We all have dragons we face. Some linger, some are brief battles, some are life-long adversaries. This season of my life, for a purpose that I do not currently know, except that it is intended for good (Romans 8:28), I am facing some dragons. But victory has already been declared and it is the Lord's and I am His.

This past week I faced minor setbacks, with things breaking down-the prelude air conditioner, the broken bedroom, window and the refrigerator. This piles on an already emotionally overwhelmed soul and so I break down.
It is in those weak moments when you are lying on the floor crying, lacking the strength to stand, much less fight that you realize a truth. All you must do to fight those dragons, is utter through your tears " The Lord is my strength, my rock, my refuge, my ever present help in a time of need. He is faithful. He keeps his promises. He promised that those who dwell in the shelter of the Most High shall be covered with feathers and protected under His wings. He will command His angels to lift you up."
Though you cannot even stand to fight as you lie in a puddle of tears, if you cry out to God. He will carry you and He will face the dragons with you and for you. Victory is His. It has already been declared. So we must hold on to God and trust Him and His promises. Endure the fight, even if you must do it lying down. He will carry you through to victory.
So in those darkest moments before the dawn, do not lose hope. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Fragile

So much has happened since my last entry. That peace I had in that rainstorm was interrupted. I learned my grandpa was being placed on hospice and his cancer treatment stopped. My next youngest brother was having difficulties related to work that included heartbreaking stories. So being the eldest, I called my siblings together to do something we never really had on that side of the family: to pray. They were coming. I envisioned a circle of us praying for our family and for God's peace.
My little brother and his wife arrived at my house. I will not retell the details of that afternoon- it is not my story to tell-but in just an hour or so we learned their child who was in the womb, Lydia Grace, was with us no more. Upon reading those words my heart broke in pieces as the thought of the pain my beloved brother and his lovely bride was feeling flooded my mind and clenched tight to my heart making it hard to breathe through the tears.
All of our lives were changed, but theirs was changed the greatest. They left to do what they needed. I,through my tears, told my husband,"we still have to go and pray."
We did. It was not as I imagined it, but we stood in a circle in my father's living room praying for my grandpa,my brother and his wife, and our entire family. We prayed for God's peace for all,but especially my brother and his wife.
That began what has come to be the most prayerful time I have had thus far. It continues now. It is in these heart shattering moments that we come to terms with how fragile life is.
It is also in these moments that voids are created in our lives. We must fill those voids. As my husband says, you can fill that void with anything,but why not fill it with the best thing and that is God. So it is at this moment faith is tested and we must trust God, though it is hard.
We cry out in our hearts, "why?" He understands. He knows our hearts are broken. It is ok to cry, be angry, and ask questions. As long as in the end, we hold on to that faith that has led us this far, and trust God. So the next days and even now, I hold on to God tightly and trust Him, though I do not understand. It is these kinds of moments when we must walk by faith and not by sight (2 Cor 5:7).

God is EVER faithful!

God, my shepherd, I don’t need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction. Psalm 23:1-3 (MSG)

I read this verse today emailed as the header of a daily devotional. This message speaks to my heart from the Lord. I am at a point in which our wonderful heavenly father has allowed me to catch my breath as I seek out his will for the next direction I should go. If I read this verse in any other translation it would not speak to me as this does. I read from the NIV almost always...but through an email devotional our ever faithful God lets me know HE IS STILL HERE and HE IS LISTENING to the PRAYERS of my heart.

My little girl is about to begin Kindergarten. A milestone that is looked on with joy, but also sadness. It is symbolic of those "baby" years are done. She is my only child at this point and so it carries more weight. Time is not ours......it has flown by. We are excited about all that is to come mind you.

I am at a crossroad professionally. I just resigned from the private practice which I interned with as a student and spent the last 1.5 years working, growing relationships with colleagues, patients and their families. I took another position that allowed me more family time. Day one at this position I knew I was not supposed to be there. So driving home after letting that practice know it would not work out I realized, I am for the moment unemployed.

Now typically this would stir up anxiety. I had a peace though. I went home. Greeted my family. Talked about it to process. Then I took a walk in a thunderstorm.
There was lightning, thunder and rain. I was calm at peace. The Lord's peace that defies all understanding consumed me.

So committed to pray about where I should go next in reflection I relaize not too long ago, I cried out wanting time with my child and to just slow down time and sit at His feet.

He has answered my prayer...I have some time. I must not squander it but sit at His feet. Seek His kingdom and seize the moments with my child during the daily hours that I normally do not get to share with her before we both start a new season of life.

I am not sure what lies ahead. I am praying for that. In the meantime I will BE STILL and Wait and enjoy this present moment that God has granted me. This is merely one example of God's unchanging faithfulness, love, grace and mercy.

afternoon shower or (maybe i've gone mad)

Walking thru the streets
Rain is pouring down
Flowing across my toes
Lightning strikes, thunder roars
Water is moving in haste
My soul is calm
All around me this storm rages
But I see thru the surface
A bird takes her refuge
On a leaf of the tree
The frogs sing out a chorus
That silly lost dog
Does not look so lost
Why is he following me
Now he leads a while
And breaks to the left
Walking thru the stream
See you later friend
Walking thru the streets
Lookers on have a nervous smile
I walk and talk and I feel at home
What seems an oddity to many
Feels so strangely familiar
The cold water meets my back.
The warm water rushes across my feet.
Content in this strange scene
I am thankful for this moment
This refreshing downpour
Washing away
my regrets
my past failures
the madness of the world
i lift my eyes up to the sky
feel the rain upon my lips
and thank you for your love
i have never felt so alive...

Who do you trust? Who should you?

When a problem arises, I process it. That is not the problem. It is the manner in which I process it. I talk to process. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. That whole balance thing again raises its head at me. I talk to others aloud, quite vociferously in order to make sense in my mind about situations big or small, problems big or small. So who I am I looking to for input? My husband, family, friends, co-workers all are included. Sometimes I even pray about it. What is the problem there? Always I seek others opinions, SOMETIMES I pray. I have it backwards.

We do life with people. All people are broken to some degree, Romans3:23. So in life no matter how much someone loves you, they will fail you. Your mom will fail you and she loves you dearly. Your dad will fail you, your child, best friend, brothers, sisters, spouses will all fail you. Only God will never fail you. s

So my life verse is Proverbs 3:5-6. I figured out the whole, lean not on your OWN understanding. I have learned not to always trust what others say, but reading today in 2 Chronicles about King Asa who had Judah focused on the Lord to the point he even dethroned his own Grandmother for building an idol and forsaking God. Yet, to prove just how human we ALL are, Asa goes to King of Aram to help him through a tight situations. In this verse he is told that because of his reliance on the King of Aram and not the Lord he will be at war. He is reminded in the past when he relied up on the Lord, the Lord delivered him.

So we are not only to not trust our own understanding, though it is not a problem to seek the counsel of others to weigh decisions....again we are reminded to SEEK YE FIRST, the KINGDOM of GOD.....

With both conviction which I recieve from the word of God and excitement for this revelation , I must consider to move forward ALWAYS praying and SOMETIMES seeking the counsel of others....

TRUST in the LORD with all your heart..........he will guide your path....-Proverbs

Spring Has Sprung

Just yesterday I planted those rose bushes
Not a bud on them, and now the roses are blooming!
Just yesterday? No. It was 5 weeks ago.
Just yesterday, my little miss was a baby
Not walking or talking just lying in my arms
Just yesterday? No. It was 5 years ago.

Time....waits....for....no...one.....

I heard all the carpe diem lines
They ring true....but do I truly seize the most important precious moments?
Or are they slipping, like water through my hands?

So many stones left to turn,
So many tasks left to do,
Why must this body waste away hours sleeping?
When there is yet so much to do?

Time.....will....not....slow...down.....

What is the answer? How do I fit it all in?
Where do I begin?

Must enjoy this season
Springtime lasts only so long
Then dreadful boiling summers
Followed by dreary winters
Oh but the autumn squeezes golden highlights in the midst of the two

but spring,oh joyful springtime
many a ballad about spring and youth

oh let me not waste away
these joyous spring days
let me slow down
focus on the silly schemes
the delightful smiles
the way she looks in the mirror and says
"Mommy, my eyes sparkle"

Oh they do indeed
and my heart warms at some silly feat
uttered phrase that is so grown up for my little girl
Let these golden moments linger on....

I will have more time for doing the things I ought to do
For now, let me not miss the springtime of her youth

Five seconds....fades into five weeks....into...five years...
Don't want to forget to smell the flowers
Dance in the rain and wear out the silliness

For the flowers need water and food to grow
But how bright they grow, when they are paid
Extra attention

Spring.....has....sprung!
Let's go and enjoy it!

Wintery Mix

Looking out the window upon a gray sky
To some it is dreary
To others it is comforting
A brisk winter's day
They say the snow will be here soon!
We don't get a lot of snow in these parts.....
The excitement builds....

The tall trees stand still
A little dampened from the earlier shower
Ready to meet the wintery mix

Bundled up in their coats
Faces rush along to their affairs
Hurried in and out of buildings

Sitting quietly in a warm room
Looking on this landscape
In awe of the wonders of nature

Visions of children laughing
Gathering snowballs
Reddened cheeks peak out
From the scarves and hats and coats and gloves

Lookers on cannot help but notice
The joyful playing
Knowing they were rushing somewhere
They pause for a moment to take it in

Roll up a snow ball
Toss it
SPLAT!
CHUCKLE!

Old Man Winter
At last --it is you
That can finally slow down
This crazy pace

Looking out upon this landscape
Looking up into the sky
Beyond the clouds
In the heavens
The author of it all
Smiles and Sighs.......