Know Thyself

Over the past month, I have had an amazing array of experiences. I have been perplexed, overwhelmed, and torn. I had an internal peace though the storms of life raged in the background. Then my heart was torn as people I love dearly experienced an unimaginable pain, the loss of their child. I grieved. I cried. I prayed more than I think I have ever prayed in my life. In the wake of this life changing event, I began to see all things through a different light. This tragedy was so close that I relearned how FRAGILE life is. When things like this happen, it is not uncommon that we find ourselves examining life.

I had time on my hands for a change, as I was not employed. I thought, a lot. I had no other choice but to be still and examine things. I did not want to. I was used to being busy. I am always on the go. My mind races all the time and my body most of the time. It is hard to sit still, much less be still. I have learned there is quite a difference in the two. Being still requires your body, mind, and spirit to slow down. It did not come easy at first. Life provided plenty of distractions, but because it came to a point that I did not have to BE anywhere, I had to learn to be.

Have you ever set down and thought about yourself, your actions, your motives? I mean deeply examined yourself.

Well during this past month here is what I knew about myself before I began:
1. I am a people pleaser
2. I struggle with low self esteem, complicated by being overweight.
3. I love people very much.
4. I love God even more than that.
5. I am pretty smart, but due to easy distractability, find it hard to study anything in depth.
6. I talk a lot, I love to talk, and I talk alot about everything...
7. My priorities in life are 1. God 2. Family 3. Work and everything else
8. Major life changes that shaped who I am: age 10 accepting Jesus; age 13 my parents separation and eventual divorce (age 15); age 19-22 a 4.5 year abusive relationship; age 22 beginning and graduating nursing school; age 26 marrying my sweet husband; age 32 giving birth to my beautiful daughter; age 33 finishing graduate school; age 34 starting and closing my own business; age 35 becoming obedient in my faith, finally figured out believing is the first step, following is the lifelong spiritual journey and was baptized on Nov 2, 2008; age 35 beginning a position where my job became my ministry; age 36 leaving that job I loved to take some time for family, experience a loss for our family as a dear child went from her mother's womb directly to heaven, and sitting at the feet of Jesus trying to figure it all out.

Here is what I have learned since that month of August
1. To TRUST GOD, no matter how hard, even when you are broken hearted, it hurts, and you do not understand.
2. Even in the midst of pain and you feel HE is far away, God will remain faithful and show you His face in the simplest of ways and smallest places.
3. God's glory is seen in the miracles and the tragedies.....the miracles are obvious..the tragedies....how he sustains us through them and brings a peace only HE can bring.....

Here is what I learned about me:
1. You can be self-centered even if you are not selfish and I am.
2.I amm always so worried about what people think about me that it leaves little time to worry about how they feel, so I can help them by listening.
3. I always want to fix situations or help people...ultimately all I can do is be there and pray, only God can "fix" people....I have to know my limitations..
4. I do have pride, only it is the dangerous kind, because it is subtle....
5. I really do love God and people and I even love practicing medicine.
6. I do have a creative side....I feel a desire to get that out, only I don't make time for that.
7. I really do talk alot, which is not always bad...but I really need to work on listening and thinking about my speech....
8. I love to write and yet I don't often do it...
9. For whatever reason I can experience empathy deeper than I want to and though it can be painful, it can also be elative...and I will just accept the gift from the Lord.
10. As a recovering people pleaser, my life's spiritual journey is to focus on pleasing God.
11. I am a broken, sinful, soul that without God would fall victim to the desires of my own flesh....but because of a Savior, Christ Jesus, all my iniquities have been taken to the grave.

Where does all this leave me? Just a deeper understanding of my brokenness which leads to a greater appreciation for my salvation and a renewed energy to spend my days loving God and loving others.