Fragile

So much has happened since my last entry. That peace I had in that rainstorm was interrupted. I learned my grandpa was being placed on hospice and his cancer treatment stopped. My next youngest brother was having difficulties related to work that included heartbreaking stories. So being the eldest, I called my siblings together to do something we never really had on that side of the family: to pray. They were coming. I envisioned a circle of us praying for our family and for God's peace.
My little brother and his wife arrived at my house. I will not retell the details of that afternoon- it is not my story to tell-but in just an hour or so we learned their child who was in the womb, Lydia Grace, was with us no more. Upon reading those words my heart broke in pieces as the thought of the pain my beloved brother and his lovely bride was feeling flooded my mind and clenched tight to my heart making it hard to breathe through the tears.
All of our lives were changed, but theirs was changed the greatest. They left to do what they needed. I,through my tears, told my husband,"we still have to go and pray."
We did. It was not as I imagined it, but we stood in a circle in my father's living room praying for my grandpa,my brother and his wife, and our entire family. We prayed for God's peace for all,but especially my brother and his wife.
That began what has come to be the most prayerful time I have had thus far. It continues now. It is in these heart shattering moments that we come to terms with how fragile life is.
It is also in these moments that voids are created in our lives. We must fill those voids. As my husband says, you can fill that void with anything,but why not fill it with the best thing and that is God. So it is at this moment faith is tested and we must trust God, though it is hard.
We cry out in our hearts, "why?" He understands. He knows our hearts are broken. It is ok to cry, be angry, and ask questions. As long as in the end, we hold on to that faith that has led us this far, and trust God. So the next days and even now, I hold on to God tightly and trust Him, though I do not understand. It is these kinds of moments when we must walk by faith and not by sight (2 Cor 5:7).