DEFRAG

I sat in a room and listened to someone deliver an expository that stated that they were worried about me.
I am a sponge for other people's problems. I take in a lot of negativity and did not appear to have a place to go to.
It is so easy to get caught in the moments and have a million thoughts racing through your head in response to each statement. Because despite that person having a snap shot into my life because they work along side me 8 hours a day. The ME I am at work is merely one dimension of a complex being.

Well the intentions I know were good ones. My initial response, well I shrugged in semi-agreement. Bottom line, I don't take time for me to decompress and let out my own thoughts. I do take in a lot of "stuff". I listen to patients' problems, coworkers problems , friends' problems, family's problems. I don't even know if I get a chance to slow down and process all of those. If and when I do I surely don't get to process how I feel about their problems much less just how I feel in general about....much of anything...the result--who and what I am --a person that cares ALOT about people taking in lots of stuff and it feels like I am running 150 miles an hour. Though my body is not, my mind is....

It can't slow down,it is not allowed, because of the demands place upon it.....I don't need much, but yes I do need a little ME time where I can escape, get my thoughts out or down, so that I can sort them out. I used to journal all the time then life placed demands of me...I do it touch and go then I quit altogether.....too busy........well in this stream of consciousness I am venting about the need to vent...HOW did I become so busy?????? Well now is not the time to answer that question...
Here is the thing...the punchline for this person that was concerned for me was perhaps I needed some medicine or supplement that helps me deal with stress.
Handed over the bottle of whatever (does it really matter what it is)....then someone knocks on the door and we quickly change subjects to a work related matter....don't you just love it......so then after I process all of this my first repsonse of course is an emotional one...dang limbic system.....then again I realize said person is concerned and that is likely to be the truth......but what that person does not know are the following few years that led up to that moment, how I used to be in the same high volume stress and would have moments that I cratered and that I really am doing better than I used to etc......then I moved onto this.....DO I REALLY NEED SOME KIND OF PILL etc....I am resistant to taking meds for anything....Number one potential side effects scare me, I know God did not intend for our bodies to have all that stuff in them, and two is it really the solution? WHAT I NEED is to eat healthy, exercise, and most importantly SLOW DOWN, decompress and not only set aside ME time to empty my thoughts onto paper, but spend some time with GOD.

To make this happen I am going to have to restructure my time....okay STRUCTURE my time, it never has been. I am going to have to tell some people NO. I will have to appear at times antisocial and tune some people out from time to time....As a recovering people pleaser I will feel like I am being rude and sometimes people might perceive me as that or start asking what is wrong---this surely drives me crazy------but the reality is we all need some down time...time to defragment, like our computers, to take out all the thoughts ideas and concepts we have been thrown which sit piled on a desk in disarray and sort through them.We need to discard what is trash, keep in a red folder or in a place in view the important stuff that needs follow up, file away the to deal with later stuff or the stuff you don't need now but may some day......and make a little order of it all......

SO maybe those pills worked. They worked not because I ingested them and achieved some effect of its manipulating my physiologic condition, but it was a catalyst. It shaked up my brain to let my mind know that things are pretty crazy. The fear of having to take this substance was enough to jar me into realizing...there are some things I COULD be doing to take better care of myself. Things that could improve my stress response, things to decrease my stress load and things that could boost my immune system in order to deal with the stressors I cannot avoid.Those things are eating healthy, exercising, restructuring my time, saying no to some commitments, and spending more time with my kid, myself and most importantly GOD.

So I guess I just need to place that unopened bottle of pills in a visible place that I can see EVERYDAY as friendly reminder of what it takes to avoid opening the bottle........