Monday, August 22, 2011


Fighting back tears, I felt disappointment, frustration, confusion, and at the same time foolish. It was not as if I was experiencing a life changing moment or the intense pain felt that is likened to losing a loved one. A little of my pride was dying as I stood witness. What I thought was my unique concept melted away in my hands. This was the second book in two weeks that I thought was my own unique idea that I found was already written. They were not exactly as I planned or envisioned, but very close, too close for comfort.

I love writing. It is a passion I have and I believe it is a God given talent. At times I doubt that, but deep down I truly believe that. Of course after tonight in the bookstore, I am once again filled with doubt. I was fighting back the tears wondering if I was even intended to write for the Lord. It was a sobering moment.

Trying not to be consumed by the bonfire of my pride, I tried to remember the others around me. I tried to focus on conversations around me. I even tried to drown out the pain with the beautiful music on the album I just bought that accompanied our drive home. I could not help but continue to turn inward to the resounding cries of self pity.

I wanted to cry out to someone who understood. Then I kept trying to stuff the feeling inside and drown it out with busyness. I felt silly and foolish. But where can I run from the Lord? He knows my thoughts. He created me and knows my innermost being. So why would I even begin to think I could hide my thoughts from Him and why not cry out to the Lord of my soul who is the only being that knows what I feel and why I feel it?

I wanted to write. It is catharsis. It gets my jumbled feelings out. So I take the album out and pop it in the CD player. In my past I often used music as my muse as I would sit and type or write. As I sat ready to type and lament over my hopes and dreams for my writing, I then hear and read the lyrics to Steven Curtis Chapman's Magnificent Obsession.
Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

So I listened again with tear-filled eyes, humbled by the message of this song. It matters not if I never publish a single book. It matters not if any ambitions are fulfilled, if they are not part of God's plan. He is everything that I need. All that my heart should desire. I must keep my eyes fixed upon Him, even if that means my "voice" shall not be heard.
I don't think he gave me this passion to write without an intention to use it. I admit, I even pray that he hopes to do so. But at this moment, I realize that if he does not choose to use my writing, it is disappointing for me and it hurts, but it is not what matters most. What matters most is that I am alive and made new in Christ. So I am your servant, have your way.

I will continue to pray for guidance with my writing, but only if it is His will. I must never let selfish ambition drown out the reason I am alive. Humbled, I listen to the next song, Meant to be. I cry now, at the amazing glory of God. So now as I take each breath, I will strive to embrace each day as I look forward with nervous anticipation as I learn day by day just what God has meant for me to be.