Humbled

Fighting back tears, I felt disappointment, frustration, confusion, and at the same time foolish. It was not as if I was experiencing a life changing moment or the intense pain felt that is likened to losing a loved one. A little of my pride was dying as I stood witness. What I thought was my unique concept melted away in my hands. This was the second book in two weeks that I thought was my own unique idea that I found was already written. They were not exactly as I planned or envisioned, but very close, too close for comfort.

I love writing. It is a passion I have and I believe it is a God given talent. At times I doubt that, but deep down I truly believe that. Of course after tonight in the bookstore, I am once again filled with doubt. I was fighting back the tears wondering if I was even intended to write for the Lord. It was a sobering moment.

Trying not to be consumed by the bonfire of my pride, I tried to remember the others around me. I tried to focus on conversations around me. I even tried to drown out the pain with the beautiful music on the album I just bought that accompanied our drive home. I could not help but continue to turn inward to the resounding cries of self pity.

I wanted to cry out to someone who understood. Then I kept trying to stuff the feeling inside and drown it out with busyness. I felt silly and foolish. But where can I run from the Lord? He knows my thoughts. He created me and knows my innermost being. So why would I even begin to think I could hide my thoughts from Him and why not cry out to the Lord of my soul who is the only being that knows what I feel and why I feel it?

I wanted to write. It is catharsis. It gets my jumbled feelings out. So I take the album out and pop it in the CD player. In my past I often used music as my muse as I would sit and type or write. As I sat ready to type and lament over my hopes and dreams for my writing, I then hear and read the lyrics to Steven Curtis Chapman's Magnificent Obsession.

Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

So I listened again with tear-filled eyes, humbled by the message of this song. It matters not if I never publish a single book. It matters not if any ambitions are fulfilled, if they are not part of God's plan. He is everything that I need. All that my heart should desire. I must keep my eyes fixed upon Him, even if that means my "voice" shall not be heard.
I don't think he gave me this passion to write without an intention to use it. I admit, I even pray that he hopes to do so. But at this moment, I realize that if he does not choose to use my writing, it is disappointing for me and it hurts, but it is not what matters most. What matters most is that I am alive and made new in Christ. So I am your servant, have your way.

I will continue to pray for guidance with my writing, but only if it is His will. I must never let selfish ambition drown out the reason I am alive. Humbled, I listen to the next song, Meant to be. I cry now, at the amazing glory of God. So now as I take each breath, I will strive to embrace each day as I look forward with nervous anticipation as I learn day by day just what God has meant for me to be.

A short walk on a long journey

07/03/11

It is Sunday morning and I drive to my church to participate in a prayer walk. Despite it being summer, I chose to walk around outside the church. It was early enough that the heat was not quite oppressive. At first I just followed the sidewalk around to the side of the church I had not walked upon before. The path led across the outer edges of our pastors offices and back into a side door of the church. Bordering the path however was a patch of green grass that spread out to meet an expanse of woods.
The walkway was short and my prayer was not done, so I carried on. Walking and praying and trying to forget that anyone watching through windows or from afar, might wonder if I am ok. Distracted by a soft breeze that came off of the wooded forest I sat silently for a moment and stared out into the mysterious wooded area.
I then walked the paved way again, much slower this time. Instead of looking out, I looked down. I noticed a pair of glasses folded on the grass, a little misshapen. First I thought, "How sad, someone lost their glasses." Then my mind slowed again and focused on the glasses. Then I let these misshapen glasses shape my prayer.
Dear Lord, give me eyes to see. Give our church leaders and congregation eyes to see. Help us stay fixed upon your face, your kingdom. Keep our eyes open to you.
A few steps further and I noticed a mushroom. This white fungus growing out of the ground. Dear Lord, help us to remove the things in our hearts and lives that have grown in the places where you should dwell and help us cast out and down, any thing that offends you, Lord so that we may please you.
I had taken a few more steps and noticed some bright red berries on the tree that reached from the edge of the woods and stopped just short of the paved path. Dear Lord, thank you for always providing what we need. You give us our daily bread. You provide for us spiritually, emotionally and physically. Dear Lord, help us bear fruit and more fruit. The fruit of your spirit which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.
I looked at the remainder of the path's edge. There was nothing more to see. I lifted my eyes up to the wooded area. The mystery of the wooded area was enticing. It seemed like there could be fun and adventure out in those woods. But with all the adventure, there was also danger. I continued on the paved way. I prayed, Lord, show me your way, teach me your path. Direct us, guide us,and lead us, so that we may never stray from you.
I rounded the corner, back in the plain view of all who would enter the church. I concluded my prayer and went inside.
This experience left me with an amazing peace and some revelation. Sometimes we do not know what to pray and God will give us the words. Sometimes we are too busy, walking too fast that we do not realize exactly which path we are on and where it is headed. Sometimes we are on the right path, but moving too fast that we are missing exactly what God wants us to see. Sometimes if we slow down, we can see what God wants us to see. And of course, there are many ways that seem tempting, adventurous, and inviting. But there is only one way that has been paved to us by Christ Jesus. It is the the way, the truth and the life that leads us to our Heavenly Father.
So whether your are walking an early morning on a short path, driving to work, or in a quiet room at home or work,God meets us where we are as we seek Him in prayer. Are you looking for Him?

Pace Yourself- Preparing the Mind

With such excitement, it is hard not to want to just go out and run as fast as you can as long as you can. But just like training to run a marathon, one doesn't just decide one day to go and run it. They must pace themselves and train for it. They must first build up enough endurance to run the race. Then the next step is to not just survive, but to run it well. In order to achieve this, you must pace yourself.

As expected a great amount of joy and excitement was followed by an attack. The week after my last entry, I became ill. My body tired, heavy, achy. I had a sudden onset of fatigue and joint pain, no other symptoms. Lots of blood work and no actual diagnosis though as I presumed, a colleague confirmed a certain viral illness was what came over me. It was sudden. It depleted my energy. It did not take away my joy, but it did make it hard to stay strong. That initial day I was sick, my prayers even seemed to take a tremendous effort. Not sharing with many, but in reflection I realized this could be a spiritual attack. I knew it would not last. I knew whose side I was on and that the enemy would not win. I was so tired I could not physically get the words out of my mouth to pray. My body felt like there was a heavy weight pressed upon it. My thoughts knew that this would not last. So I rested. I rested my body, so my mind could fight the battle my body could not.

One would think the first thing one must do when preparing for battle would be to strengthen one's body. However, the body is human flesh. It is prone to injury, illness, and weakness. So through this experience, I have learned first I need to prepare my mind. When the body is weary, the mind can keep fighting. Why? It is in that mind where thoughts declare in faith the Lord's word and promises. Faith that begins in the mind. Jesus told those he healed, your faith has healed you. Faith in what? Self will to become better? No. I fail myself all the time. I even lie to myself at times. It is the faith in Christ that heals us. It is the faith that the Lord, who never fails, will never fail us. It is the realization that in our weakness, he will give strength. It is knowing that where I am weak, the Lord shall be my strength and lift me up on wings like eagles so that I may soar. He will not grow tired or weary, though my body will. (Isaiah 40) In Christ I can do all things because he strengthens me.(Phillipians 4:13)

So I prepare my mind to seek first the Lord, to realize he is strong when I am weak, and to be still and listen for his whisper, so that I can discern his will. My prayer this week comes from Psalm 119. A lengthy Psalm, but it draws me in, and this particulary stood out:
33 Teach me, LORD, the way of your decrees,
that I may follow it to the end.
34 Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.
35 Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.
36 Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.
37 Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.
38 Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.
39 Take away the disgrace I dread,
for your laws are good.
40 How I long for your precepts!
In your righteousness preserve my life.

As I prepare my mind, I must ask the Lord to teach me and guide me in His perfect truth,not the world's interpretation, not the world's desires, not my own desires and interpertations. But may God's Holy Spirit fill me and the Lord of my heart and soul guide me and lead me in His perfect truth. As his word promises I can be confident of this, that he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.(Phillipians 1:6)

Preparing for battle: New Recruit

“Blessed be the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle – my lovingkindness and my fortress, my high tower and my deliverer, my shield and the One in whom I take refuge, who subdues my people under me.” (Psalm 144:1)

PREFACE:
Recently I was honored to join a volunteer prayer team. I have been searching for a way to serve. I have long had a heart for prayer and could track my spiritual growth by the nature of my prayers. They have evolved. And as a recent addition to this group, once again I am being transformed.
There are some amazing women and men that pray in the spirit in a variety of ways. They have inspired me and taught me in such a short time. From them I have realized there yet another dimension to prayer. It has all been so exciting!!
Today I acutally felt so overwhelmed with joy by the excitement of all that is developing that I literally felt I had to restrain myself from just wanting to take off running like a mad woman. I was so full of energy. The excitement was almost too much to bear.
Most people realize there is a spiritual warfare that is ongoing and has been for some time. This is nothing new. But I am not sure if it is only this recent revelation that I have experienced, but I honestly think it goes beyond me...I see and feel there is something stirring...the enemy has been stirring the pot for some time...
But greater is He that is in us than he is that is in the world...the enemy crumbles at the sound of our Lord's name....I was speaking with an amazing woman on our prayer team. She has had a strong prayer life for many years. This is inspiring. As she shared lessons she has learned in time and wisdome imparted upon her by the Lord, she exclaimed, "We have the promises of God, so many promises. They are just sitting there. We are not using them." My pastor shared today that on a mission trip to India among many striking things was the authority of Jesus which the people proclaimed. Their prayers were bold, certain, and faithful.
“Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you.” (Luke 10:19)
All of these revelations, combined with an number of situations in my life that are too numerous to chronicle have me excited. I also cannot help but feel a revival is stirring and the Lord of all is preparing his warriors for battle.

CHRISTIAN SOLIDER

I never thought of myself as a warrior or even a strong person. I have been told by those I love, "you are a strong person, because of what you have endured." I half beleived this and because of my lack of esteem and distorted view and lack of full comprehension of whose I am never allowed me to see myself as a STRONG anything.

As a child I attended church with my grandma, Arlene. My brother Louis, my uncle James, and I attended vacation bible school every summer. Every summer we opened it up the same we marched into the church holding the flags and singing "Onward Christian Solider."

Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war,
with the cross of Jesus going on before.
Christ, the royal Master, leads against the foe;
forward into battle see his banners go!
Refrain:
Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war,
with the cross of Jesus going on before.

At the sign of triumph Satan's host doth flee;
on then, Christian soldiers, on to victory!
Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
(Refrain)

Like a mighty army moves the church of God;
brothers, we are treading where the saints have trod.
We are not divided, all one body we,
one in hope and doctrine, one in charity.
(Refrain)
Crowns and thrones may perish, kingdoms rise and wane,
but the church of Jesus constant will remain.
Gates of hell can never gainst that church prevail;
we have Christ's own promise, and that cannot fail.
(Refrain)

Onward then, ye people, join our happy throng,
blend with ours your voices in the triumph song.
Glory, laud, and honor unto Christ the King,
this through countless ages men and angels sing.
(Refrain)

I had no idea then the signifcance of those words. As I said earlier, I have never felt strong or considered myself a warrior. But through the Lord's spirit in the past few weeks I am learning what an honor and a privilege it is to be a member of God's army. I am filled with excitement when I think of the King I serve and the glory and honor that is due to Him alone.
In the meantime, I realize I am but a new recruit. I have long been a believer in the purpose of this army. I have known for which side to root. I have been a spectator and engaged from time to time, but mostly have enjoyed the privilege of protection for all those who are serving. I never saw myself as "good enough" or "strong enough" to serve. Our Father in heaven says differently.
So, now as a new recruit I must use the excitement as fuel to prepare. It is so human to want to get fired up and run off into battle without truly preparing one's spirit, mind, and body. So for now, I must wait on the Lord and seek His Spirit's guidance to prepare. I must pace myself so that I can bear the belt of truth buckled around [my] waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place. I must have my feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, I must take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. I must continue to grow and wear the helmet of salvation and so that I can have the strength to wield the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.(Ephesians 6:14-17)
I am merely a silly, people pleasing, self conscious,weak soul on my own. But in God's strength, covered by Christ's blood, led by the Spirit I can be a warrior for the Most High God. How could I not be excited to serve such and amazing God!
For now, I must prepare. I must meditate, pray, watch, listen, learn and prepare my mind, body adn spirit for the battle that is before us. So that we may all run with perseverance the race set before us. (Heb 12:1) For now, I look on with hope and excitement for the plans the Lord has for me and my fellow members all for the glory of our God who is almighty, everlasting, faithful, merciful and loving. All for His glory, I gladly take my place....keep me in your prayers....the new recruit always has to make it through boot camp.....i will keep you posted....i desire your prayers and always offer mine for you.....

With great power, comes great responsibility....

I watched the movie Iron Man with my husband. He wanted to watch a "grown up" movie together, so we did. We have watched many movies in the past with comic book heores and action/adventure, etc....but it was hard watching this movie.
First because the violence that was portrayed on the scene in Afghanistan is not merely fiction. It is too close reality. Then, there is the frustration that came from my immediate suspicion of the soon to be revealed villain. The ultimate frustration of the abuse of power, the corruption, the greed and love of money that fueled the evil powers that be to sell and take arms against innoncent people.
I could not help but think of Oppenheimer and his atomic bomb. The scientist is often interested only in the sake of science and what it can achieve. Such things are safe only in the hands of benevolent people. However, the scientists when tempted by pride and sometimes financial gain, fall prey to manipulation of those in power.
It is hard not to see that there is a slippery slope in all of science, even medical science. We have the ability to do this and that, but should we? Yes, just because we can? The basic tenants of medical practice vow to first, do no harm. Medical scientists can be tempted by pride. Even the proposed desire to save life and treat disease can be manipulated by the powers that control the money and the political power. In the name of healing, we could be capable of hurting. It is important that with all the medications, research for genetic testing and biological developments that we do not create a monster we wish we would have kept hidden, despite the scientific advances it could achieve.
Mind you, I am not an enemy of science, medicine or research. However, we humans fall prey to our pride and often try to play God in ways that we cannot. And if we are not careful, our developoments could leave us staring our Frankenstein's monster in the face, fearful wondering if the sake of science was worth the price. To sum up my thoughts on this, it is important to remember that all power comes great responsibility. Those in power have the repsonsibility to consider the greater good, but unforuntately power corrupts.
On a personal note, the peace I keep is that God saves. So I pray for godly leaders, scientists and medical providers.

Dancing in Heaven

Often times, you cross my mind
But I would dare not write a verse
No lines that I could pen
Could serve your memory justice

But often times I think of your brief candle
The brevity was painfully short
Your absence breaks the hearts of
Two people I love dearly
And so it breaks my own

Questions, there were many
And yes I have my own
But it is not my loss nor my pain
So it is not my privilge to dwell
But then again though you were not mine
You are my family
And so it is natural that your absence grieves me

And when I think of you now
or hear your sweet name
I think of something sacred
Untarnished and unstained
And when I see the pictures
Of your sweet face
I see God's beauty, love and GRACE

And though we have yet to meet
So deep I love you still
And I know in faith, in greener pastures
Some day our souls will meet

For now sweet child
I am left with imagining
And when I hear your sweet name
I see a little girl dancing

Dancing round and giggling
And laughing with lots of joy
Because you dance before our King
Joy is all you will ever know

So it breaks my heart
For all the things we never got to do
But keep dancing there in heaven child
Some day we will dance with you

thought i had something to say...

thoughts flooded my mind and some seemed quite profound
excited i made an effort to go and write them down
and of course i was distracted before i found the pen
but a few hellos and social updates and back on course again

i tried to retrieve the thoughts, there were more than a few
hopefully once i began to write they would all just break through
but i sat in silence waiting for the words to be penned
silently i waited and my mind, which races most often
was blank- nothing..

at first i was frustrated, because i lost my words
they were quite life changing to anyone who heard
and the message they would send was one of hope and inspiration
but as i sat there in that blank moment i had a realization

my words are not all that profound
whether i keep them in or write then down

i am just a silly soul that is lost just like you
but thanks to grace through faith i have a light to guide me through
that light, that guide is the result of a sinless,Holy man
that gave his life so we do not have to die if we choose to follow him

oh some time ago his words were written down
now those words are worth your time and they are quite profound
they are not silly sing song rhymes such as this verse
but they are life changing truths that tell us how to live our life on this earth
and through these words that you will read your life can be changed
if you open your mind and open your heart and let this Savior in

so i thought i had something to say, but it's likely to have been said
but what matters most this very day, are not the thoughts in my head
but the words of the Savior who came to give his life for every man
don't trust me, read for yourself and learn about God's plan
for you and me all the world because his love is true
silly souls such as you and i can live once this life is through